


personal standards (it's you)

by bitsori



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Late Night Conversations, M/M, night drives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-02 17:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19445980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitsori/pseuds/bitsori
Summary: “Wanna go for a drive?” Changbin offers, a tiny smirk pulling up at the right corner of his lips. “That might help you clear your mind a bit.”--or: Changbin takes Hyunjin out for a bit of air and some stress relief. ( AU )





	personal standards (it's you)

**Author's Note:**

> [ 1 ] My song was [The (Shipped) Gold Standard](https://open.spotify.com/track/32qijvSiSjLy16GKczwHlW?si=3hU5m3H8QauaohBakyjPQw), although I don't know if this fic makes much sense in accordance to the song. I had direct inspiration based on the lyrics and the meaning behind it, but this kinda took a turn on it's own. Still, enjoy, hopefully!
> 
> [ 2 ] Cranked this out over a weekend after being roped into joining Jukebox last minute, lmao. No regrets.

  
  
  


Hyunjin stares at the stack of books on his desk, newly checked out from the university library, and all a part of his reading list for that term. It’s barely even been a month into the school year and he already feels swamped with work – he’d already spent all day at the library, reading up on theories in literary criticism in order to prepare for a discussion group that he’s supposed to lead in a couple of days, and he still has to work on at least two papers due in a week, none of which he’s started on. His peers always work so much faster than him, and he has no idea how they do it. It’s times like this that he starts wondering why in the world he’d chosen to major in Literature – he takes so long immersing himself in a work, needing to read something twice over before he even begins to fully understand it. Moreover, he doesn’t really have any idea what in the world he’ll do with his degree after he graduates. Something, _anything,_ he figures, but the thought has been weighing on him for days, ever since a consultation he’d had with his adviser earlier in the week about possible internships over the summer, and right now the uncertainty hasn’t really been helping with his stress levels. 

He groans and starts to reach for the book on top of the pile – just staring at them wasn’t going to help him either. Before he can crack it open, however, he hears movement right outside the front door. He lives in an insanely miniscule studio apartment where it takes barely ten steps from the door to the corner where he has his study desk pushed against and he only has to turn in his chair to catch as the door swings open and Changbin's head pokes in.

“Hyunjin-ah?” His visitor calls out, his tone droll but his expression lighting up the moment he sees Hyunjin staring at him.

“I shouldn’t have given you my security code,” he responds, trying to sound dry, but the giggle that punctuates his statement is enough to clue anyone in that he’s just joking. Despite his words, Changbin is an always welcome presence – he wouldn’t have given him free access to his apartment if this wasn’t the case. “What are you doing here, hyung?”

Changbin shrugs as he unceremoniously kicks his shoes off by the door way, pushing them to the side of the wall before he practically bounces over and throws himself on Hyunjin’s tiny single bed.

“You sounded stressed earlier,” Changbin points out after he clearly makes himself comfortable, arms and legs wrapped around Hyunjin’s bolster pillow, his entire body angled to face Hyunjin’s direction. “On the phone,” he clarifies, because Hyunjin had called him earlier, right before he left the library for home.

“So your solution is to… come over and give me more stress?” Hyunjin asks, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Oi—” Changbin narrows his eyes at him, and pulls himself up once more to a sitting position. “You’ve been spending too much time with Minho, I think. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever introduced you.”

Hyunjin can only laugh, neither confirming nor denying Changbin’s allegation, but only really to tease him; the truth is he’s glad to have the older male over. Ever since Changbin dropped out of university the previous term, they haven’t really seen much of each other. Hyunjin was usually either holed up at the library or busy with his part-time student assistant job at his school’s Humanities department. Changbin, on the other hand, was busy juggling three part-time jobs while trying to start a career in the underground music industry with Chan and Jisung.

Changbin puts away the pillow he had been hugging, rolling off the bed and taking the two steps needed to reach Hyunjin. “You need to read all these?” He asks, wincing as he pats the top of Hyunjin’s book pile; Hyunjin, once again, only shrugs to answer. “You have any nearby deadlines?” 

“A couple of papers next week,” Hyunjin admits. “I’m so tired hyung—” He sighs. It’s not even as if he’s a procrastinator; he always tries to manage his time accordingly, but apparently he’s really bad at it. He’s a slow reader, mostly because he takes his time digesting what he reads, and while this was fine in high school, it certainly doesn’t help now that he’s in university, with his major requiring him to participate in almost all text-heavy courses.

Changbin has picked up the book on top of the pile, absentmindedly flipping through it before he loudly snaps it shut. “Wanna go for a drive?” He offers, a tiny smirk pulling up at the right corner of Changbin’s lips. “That might help you clear your mind a bit.”

“You and me in what car?” Hyunjin asks, brow creased with confusion. This is when Changbin grins and pulls out a set of keys from his pocket, the Gudetama keychain holding them together more than familiar to Hyunjin. “Does Seungmin know you stole his car?”

Changbin laughs. “Come on _borrowed,_ is more like it! Without tacit permission, sure, but he’s holed up in his room anyway, busy with his own schoolwork. He isn’t going to show his face for a while, I’m sure. Besides, Felix is over, and Seungmin’s supposedly helping him study, but I’m pretty sure his presence just adds credence to my earlier assumption that he isn’t leaving his room any time soon—” he grins and wiggles his eyebrows at Hyunjin, “—if you know what I mean.”

Hyunjin groans. “Please stop implying things about my best friend’s sex life. I could live without any of that—plus, it’s Seungmin and _Felix!”_ He shakes his head, but the laughter that erupts from him is uncontrollable nevertheless. “I just… don’t want to think of them like that. As far as I’m concerned they’re a very pure and innocent pair.”

“Uh-huh—” Changbin snorts, twirling the keys around his pointer finger. “Believe what you want to believe, but I’ve been staying at Seungmin’s apartment for a couple of weeks now, and—”

“NO!” Hyunjin practically shrieks, laughing as he turns and forcefully claps a hand over Changbin’s mouth. “I don’t want to hear any of this!”

Changbin’s muffled laughter tickles against his palm, and as soon as the older male reaches over to try and poke at his stomach, Hyunjin easily gives in retracts his hand.

“I don’t want to hear any of it either, Hyunjin, _trust me,”_ Changbin reiterates, and by now Hyunjin just throws his hands in the air as he laughs some more.

“If images of my best friend having sex prevents me from getting enough sleep, you have to take responsibility,” Hyunjin announces as he finally gets up from his chair, reaching only for his phone and his wallet before he starts to steer Changbin towards the direction of the door.

“Oh, well, that’s kinda disturbing you know,” Changbin echoes, his voice still loaded with implied innuendo and it makes Hyunjin groan some more. “I know how close you and Seungmin are, but most people don’t default to images of their best friend being intimate just because they learn they actually _have_ a sex life.”

Hyunjin huffs because Changbin is right, but it’s not his fault he has a very active imagination. Or, he’d like to think it isn’t his fault— _shit,_ he thinks, because now he’s wondering if it’s his fault.

“—jinnie?” Changbin calling to him as he puts his shoes on pierces through Hyunjin’s thoughts. “Please tell me your mind didn’t actually just imagine—?”

“No!” Hyunjin snaps immediately. “No,” he repeats, this time more firmly.

Changbin actually looks _amused,_ and Hyunjin almost hates him for it. “You know what? We can have sleepless nights together thanks to them, then,” he teases, grinning as he reaches over to try and pinch Hyunjin’s cheek, only for the latter to quickly swat his hand away with a huff. Sometimes, it’s hard not to wonder if Changbin’s words have any underlying meaning to them.

“I hope Seungmin kicks you out for taking his car without permission,” Hyunjin grumbles as he nudges Changbin out into the hallway before locking up after himself. 

  
  
  


Once in Seungmin’s car, Hyunjin finds that Changbin had apparently made a quick detour to a convenience store before heading over to his apartment; the evidence lay in two plastic bags filled with an assortment of snacks.

“Did you clean out the ministop?” Hyunjin teases him, even as he tears open a pack of shrimp chips, the spicy smell immediately escaping the bag and filling the entire car. 

“Shut up,” Changbin tells him, chuckling and reaching over for a handful of chips before he could even start the car. “Couldn’t pick, so I just got everything that looked good. I got one of my paychecks earlier so I’m rich today.”

Hyunjin nods and rolls his car window down, to air out the smell of the chips, if anything; it suddenly occurs to him that this – whatever this outing is – is just as much for Changbin as it is for himself. 

He can only imagine the kind of stress Changbin is going through because he hardly ever witnesses any of it. Hyunjin is sure he has his own troubles though, it’s just that Changbin never actually shows it when he’s suffering.

The first encounter Hyunjin had with Changbin, technically, was in his Communications class during his freshman year in university, which he had signed up for hoping it would help him with his own public speaking issues. He never talked to Changbin in the class, but he always noticed him even though he sat near the back of the lecture hall with a friend of his (Minho, Hyunjin will learn later on), an untouchable aura surrounding both of them. Hyunjin always noticed the way Changbin spoke eloquently whenever the professor called on him, his tone naturally laced with confidence. When halfway through the term they’d needed to give individual presentations in front of the entire class, Hyunjin couldn’t help but admire the easy way he imbues humor in his report, and the casual way he pulls in his entire audience.

They never really interacted until one afternoon nearing the end of the term. He had been waiting for Seungmin (who, at the time was nothing more than his classmate in his Introduction to Philosophy class), at the student union cafe when Changbin had come up to his table, asking if the seat across him was free. He was small – almost an entire head smaller than Hyunjin – but, same as when they were in class, he carried himself with the air of a confident senior that made him seem taller than he really was.

Technically, the seat Changbin was asking about wasn’t free – Seungmin was set to arrive any minute soon, and that spot was reserved for him. But the cafe was pretty packed, and Hyunjin was lucky enough that he’d managed to snag a small table for four, so technically there were _two_ seats free for Changbin to take.

“Come on,” Changbin had prodded, his smile lopsided, and his eyes sparkling with hope. “You know what they say— _share a seat, win a friend.”_

The comment wasn’t particularly funny, and Changbin probably wasn’t even really joking, but Hyunjin had burst into laughter anyway. His giggles had softened Changbin’s expression, and suddenly he was looking at Hyunjin in a curious way that made Hyunjin feel strangely _interesting._ That, in turn, had made him feel strangely warm inside – Changbin was someone he’d been observing for the better part of three months because Hyunjin found _him_ interesting, after all. For some reason, this is exactly what had made him cave in, hand waving at the chair to allow Changbin to share his table.

It’s been two years since then, and a lot has certainly happened. 

For one, Seungmin has easily made the transition from simply being Hyunjin’s mildly uppity classmate to being his best friend – his closest confidante, and his number one therapist. In just two years, Hyunjin has lost count of the number of times Seungmin has had to calm him down whenever he has deadlines to meet and it all gets to be too much for him. In return, Seungmin has allowed Hyunjin to see him at his lowest – has allowed Hyunjin the less than perfect side of him who had cried when he’d been passed on for a special internship, the side of him that had been a complete flustered mess the first time Felix had asked him out on date. Hyunjin could confidently say that he knows Seungmin like the back of his hand, and he’s pretty sure that Seungmin would say the same about him.

Two, Hyunjin would also like to think that he’s gotten quite close with Changbin since then. Unlike with Seungmin, he isn’t someone Hyunjin would _dare_ call his best friend – mostly because there are still times when the older feels a little too out of reach and untouchable. Times when Changbin feels like he’s too many things at once, because in Hyunjin’s eyes, he is. While Seungmin is the friend who grounds him and reminds him to breathe when the going gets tough, Changbin is the friend who makes him laugh when he needs to, and the friend who builds him up, and reminds him there are standards and ideals that are within his reach if he chooses to go for them. Changbin is someone who he always wants to show his best side to, someone he’s scared of disappointing.

This is why he had been completely shocked when Changbin had confided in him several months ago and told him about his plans to pull out of school. He was already halfway through his third year by then, just three semesters away from earning a degree and Hyunjin had been so confused because as much as he knew that Changbin’s passions lay elsewhere, he also knew that Changbin has _always_ done well in his classes. He could juggle both if he wanted to, and Hyunjin always assumed he wanted to. This part of him, the way that Changbin easily navigated his academics and balanced them with a passion that leaned more towards the arts was always a huge part of why Hyunjin admired him so much. That had been the first time since they became friends that Hyunjin had realised that Changbin was opaque to him in a lot of ways; that apparently Changbin worked just as hard as Hyunjin did to only show Hyunjin his better side, and that at the end of the day, he was only human too.

“It’s not fair to my parents,” Changbin had explained. “They’re paying for an education I plan to do nothing with.”

“Isn’t it even more unfair to them to just drop out?” Seungmin had countered, his tone thick with obvious judgment. Hyunjin had winced, afraid that it would spark a fight between his two friends, but Changbin had simply taken Seungmin’s words in.

“It’s more unfair to them, and to myself, if I just continue to half-ass things,” Changbin explained, his tone uncharacteristically firm and steady and without any hint of his usual playfulness. Hyunjin supposes that had been what shut Seungmin up.

“Hyung,” Hyunjin begins, careful and cautious. “You’re stressed too, aren’t you?”

He watches as Changbin’s grip on the wheel briefly tightens, and that’s how he knows he’s right.

“Tonight is about you, Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin tells him, smiling and visibly relaxing.

“Doesn’t have to be,” Hyunjin mutters; he’s sure Changbin hears him, but the older pretends not to, anyway.

  
  
  


They end up parked somewhere in Incheon, close enough to the airport that they can watch as departing planes took off from a distance, the horizon littered with artificial lights welcoming the arriving ones.

Changbin spreads a blanket across the hood of the car before he urges Hyunjin to get on. 

“If we get a scratch on the car, Seungmin is going to kill me,” he points out gruffly.

Being the two closest people to Hyunjin, it was only natural that Seungmin and Changbin got closer as well. Granted, it hadn’t always been a smooth-sailing road for the two of them, as Changbin’s easygoing demeanor had initially ground at Seungmin’s gears pretty bad. Even now they still occasionally butt heads over the most trivial things (usually because Changbin enjoyed getting Seungmin riled up a little too much), but at least now they genuinely got along well enough that Seungmin had naturally offered his couch after Changbin lost his last apartment to gentrifying developers.

Hyunjin would have offered, but his place was already too small for himself, and as tiny as Changbin is, there’s regrettably no space or room for him anywhere in it.

“You’re already a dead man walking anyway,” Hyunjin jokes as he hoists himself up on the hood of the car. 

“He’ll forgive me quickly if I tell him I stole his car to take you out,” Changbin points out, grinning and giving Hyunjin a playful wink.

“Oh, no—” Hyunjin laughs and raises his hands. “Not getting in between the two of you for this.”

“It won’t come to that,” Changbin assures him, laughing along. “I told you he’ll be too busy all night!” 

Hyunjin huffs and shakes his head. “Speaking of which,” he shifts in his seat, wondering if it’s safe to bring this up. “Do you know when you plan on moving out of Seungmin’s?”

“Funny, he asks me the same thing everyday,” Changbin jokes, chuckling as he rummages through his convenience store loot until he’s able to fish out two cans or orange juice, one of which he hands over to Hyunjin. “You think I’ve overstayed my welcome?”

Hyunjin laughs once more. “Honestly?” He shakes his head and smiles as he pops his drink can open, lightly nudging it against Changbin’s own. “Cheers—” He says softly, taking a sip of the drink before continuing, “You know that he probably just wants his privacy back, right? But he isn’t actually going to make you leave before you have to. Besides, he’d never tell you but he secretly likes having you around. You’re the only one who appreciates those documentaries he loves to watch in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep.”

“Hey—” Changbin chuckles defensively. “I learned the reason why babies in medieval art are so ugly in those documentaries.”

“See!” Hyunjin snorts. “This is why he lets you stay.”

Changbin sighs. “My parents have been trying to convince me to move back home.”

Hyunjin lifts an eyebrow, and he falls silent; if. Changbin is willing to share even a bit of his problems, then he wants to listen. 

“That, or at least help out with some of my expenses,” Changbin continues, wincing. “It’s so fucking tempting to just accept, you know? But I talked so big about being fair towards them and myself, and I already wasted so much of their money and their time. I just want to prove that I can be successful without leaning on their support too much, even though I know they mean well. It’s silly, right? To be stressing over parents who are offering me nothing but unconditional love and support.”

Hyunjin purses his lips; if it was him in Changbin's shoes he doubts he could resist the offer of filial support. “It’s understandable if this is something you want to prove,” he murmurs. “If they support you unconditionally, then I’m sure they'll understand that you have to do this on your own. Or at least, without their help?”

Changbin just nods and takes another gulp of good drink without saying anything; Hyunjin smiles at him tentatively, hoping that he hasn't said the wrong thing.

“Jisung’s actually offered to let me crash whenever Seungmin decides to kick me out, actually,” Changbin grunts, changing gears just like that. “This was a Minho-hyung approved decision apparently—” he laughs, “—but let’s be real, my nights would be even more sleepless if I stay at theirs.”

Hyunjin wrinkles his nose. “Are you really going to keep making cracks about our friends’ sex lives all night?”

“Depends—” Changbin drawls, a cheeky grin quickly spreading across his lips. “Are you gonna keep blushing every time I do?”

His eyes widen, and he actually feels warmth spread across his face at the older male’s comment. “You’re insufferable,” he quips, turning away and tipping his drink can against his lips – an obvious excuse to obstruct his face from Changbin’s view.

“You love me,” Changbin quips, and Hyunjin literally _chokes_ on orange juice. Changbin actually has the audacity to _laugh_ at him even as he reaches over so he can rub his hand alongside Hyunjin’s back; he knows the gesture is meant to comfort but it only renders him even more self conscious.

The first time it dawned on Hyunjin that he might be harboring feelings for Changbin that are beyond friendship, he had been standing in the middle of a small club, surrounded by a small, but packed and extremely hyped crowd, all of them enjoying as Changbin, together with Chan and Jisung, lit up the small stage they were performing on.

It wasn’t even the first time he’d seen Changbin perform; they had already been friends for almost two years by then, and it was shortly after Changbin had revealed his plans to focus completely on his music. Maybe it had to do with that, Hyunjin isn’t sure – he thinks he might never be sure. All he knows is that for one quick second, as Changbin rapped about the kind of high chasing after dreams gave him, their eyes had met, and something just _clicked_ inside Hyunjin. 

He had felt frozen on the spot, never mind the crowd of people surrounding him, all jumping up and down, moving their bodies to the music, which strangely suddenly sounded pretty faint, especially compared to the loud thundering in his chest. 

“You know—” And then Minho, Changbin’s friend (and he supposes, his, now, as well), who he’d almost forgotten was right there with him, had leaned in and whispered directly into his ear, pulling him out of his epiphany-induced reverie. “He thinks he disappointed you,” he tells Hyunjin, calm, steady and completely audible even amidst the loud bass booming from the speakers.

Hyunjin had turned to face Minho, confused. He was hearing the words Minho was saying, but they weren’t exactly making sense in his head. “What do you mean?”

“It’s why still he hasn’t made a move,” Minho continued, and then shrugged, offering no further explanation. The performance on stage halts, and the audience erupts into cheers. Hyunjin remained silent, frozen still because Changbin’s eyes are on him _again,_ making him feel all kinds of things he knew he would need to unpack later on with the help of Seungmin.

  
  
  


“I feel like I’ve ingested an entire year’s worth of MSG and artificial flavoring in the last hour alone,” Hyunjin comments, chuckling as he stares at the bagful of empty snack packs and wrappers. “What time is it, even?”

“Around 11?” Changbin shrugs, unsure about his answer but obviously not bothered enough to make sure. “You feeling more refreshed? You know, they say MSG helps with stress levels.”

“Do they really say that?”

“No—” Changbin laughs. “I’m pretty it’s bad for you, but it tastes good, so at least we had some good times in the last hour.”

Hyunjin scoffs, and wipes his palms against the thighs of his pants. He _does_ feel good, just a little too full; he knows he’s probably going to feel sick later, though, but he's trying to avoid thinking of that for now. “So you feel better too, hyung?”

Changbin hums, sliding off the hood of Seungmin’s car, just turning a bit so he can flash a smile at Hyunjin. “I always feel better when I spend time with you.”

Hyunjin actually flinches at that; he lifts a hand, rubbing two fingers behind his ear. He feels flushed, and he probably _looks_ flushed because _what does Changbin even mean?_

“Do you want to start heading back?” Changbin asks, already moving on from his earlier statement even though Hyunjin still feels like he’s lost in his attempt to translate them in his head.

His actual answer to Changbin’s inquiry is no, he doesn't really – not yet, but he answers, “We probably should,” anyway.

“Probably,” Changbin agrees, but he doesn’t move to get in the car, and Hyunjin doesn’t push, so instead, another bout of silence envelopes them for a couple of minutes.

The quiet lasts long enough for Hyunjin to retreat back into his thoughts. “Hey, hyung,” he starts, soft and tentative. “Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life after I graduate.”

“Well, what do you want to do?” Changbin asks in turn, a small but encouraging smile dancing on his lips.

“Be happy,” Hyunjin immediately answers, only to cringe as soon as the words slide off his tongue. “Sorry, hyung,” he mumbles, ducking his head. “That sounds silly.”

“It doesn’t,” Changbin assures him, his hand settling on Hyunjin’s knee. His chest tightens at the gesture, and Hyunjin is almost tempted to push it away just so he can breathe more easily, but a couple of seconds pass, and as he consciously wills himself to relax, the weight of the older’s hand suddenly feels more comforting than anything else. “What makes you happy then?” Changbin follows up, curious, but still smiling at him in that warm and easy way that always makes Hyunjin feel like everything will turn out fine.

 _You,_ is the first answer that comes into mind, illogical at best, silly and embarrassing at worst. Luckily, Hyunjin is able to bite his tongue before he answered it out loud. “Sometimes I wish I was more like Seungmin,” is what he ends up answering instead.

Changbin snorts. “Wishing you were more like Seungmin is what makes you happy?!”

“No!” Hyunjin groans, lightly hitting Changbin on the shoulder. “It’s just—he’s happy, yeah? He has Felix giving him unconditional love and support, and he’s majoring in something very sensible, giving him the promise of a happy and stable future.”

Changbin doesn’t say anything for several seconds, which makes Hyunjin feel just a tad anxious. “Hyung—?” He mumbles, poking at Changbin’s arm to make sure he still has his attention.

Changbin hums. “I mean, I’ll give you Felix’s presence in his life, but Seungmin isn’t happy because he’s majoring in something ‘sensible.’ I was an accounting major and I was good at it, good with numbers, but I was miserable. Seungmin is happy because for some insane reason he actually loves _and_ enjoys Economics, and that’s also why he’s going to have a happy and stable future.”

“You were miserable?” This is the only thing that properly registers with Hyunjin; he never really had any idea that Changbin was anything other than happy and content.

Changbin winces, and then he lets out a heavy exhale. “I mean, maybe the word miserable is a stretch? But everyday felt like a waste of time,” he e plains with a shake of his head. He lifts his chin and meets Hyunjin’s gaze. “You love your major, don’t you? I’ve seen you get really excited when you talk about some new reading you’ve been assigned in class—or when you read between the lines of some short story, or when you analyze the words of some Joseon era poet. Your eyes light up when you do, you know that?” Changbin laughs. “It’s the only reason I let you go on and on even though ninety percent of the time I have no idea what you’re even talking about.”

“Hyung—!” Hyunjin gawks in shock, and Changbin laughs even more.

“Okay, okay,” Changbin sniggers, “I kid. I only mean eighty percent of the time.”

“Hyung—” Hyunjin repeats, this time with nothing more than a resigned huff; he has to admit, however, that the older is right. As hard as it gets sometimes, as stressed as it makes him, just staring at the list of things he needs to read within a single term, at the end of the day, he enjoys what he’s studying. He loves finding meaning in the words of others, enjoys comparing different works, and analyzing them within the context of the time period they were written. 

“Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin calls out to him; he sounds so soft and gentle, but it makes the baby hairs on the back of his neck stand up for some reason. “Don’t second guess yourself. You set standards for yourself based on what other people have—but if happiness is what you’re aiming for, then you have to set a bar that works for _you.”_

Hyunjin nods slowly; he’s not sure he completely understands just yet, but he wants to think he will once the words properly settle in his gut. He’s a slow learner, but that doesn’t mean he lacks comprehension skills.

Minho’s words from a couple of months ago suddenly flash in his head, and sure enough, as if to prove that he really is the type who takes his time understanding things, they finally click for him. “Binnie-hyung?” Hyunjin says suddenly, his voice only slightly trembling as he finally slides off of the hood of Seungmin’s car so that he’s standing next to Changbin. “I just want to be clear with you—you’ve never disappointed me.” 

“Huh?” Changbin stares at him, confusion initially etched across his features, before understanding slowly takes over.

“Minho-hyung told me,” Hyunjin explains anyway.

Changbin grunts softly. “Like I said—I really regret introducing the two of you.”

The atmosphere feels tense and serious, yet Hyunjin is unable to help the giggle that escapes him. “No, you don’t.”

“You don’t know that,” Changbin argues half-heartedly, sighing as he lightly punches Hyunjin’s shoulder. “And it’s okay if you were disappointed. It’s a little narcissistic, but I know—” he sighs before continuing, “—I know you always looked up to me, and deciding to drop out of college when I was so close to getting a degree isn’t ideal. It’s not something that should be glorified.”

“Hyung, stop,” Hyunjin tries to interrupt him, even reaching over so he can lightly shake Changbin’s arm. Looking at the older male now, Hyunjin can see that _he’s_ disappointed in himself more than Hyunjin will probably ever be capable of being. “Didn’t you just tell me that I set standards based on other people, and that I shouldn’t? You’re kind of doing that yourself—you’re assuming standards you think I’ve set for you.” 

Changbin stares at him, brow creased in confusion, and Hyunjin almost giggles again because it feels a little nice, being the one with a clear head for once.

“I _have_ always looked up to you, hyung,” he admits with a nod, “and before, I thought that was because you were good at so many things. You were always doing well in school, and between that and music, you had so many different options lying ahead of you. But I’ve realised more recently, that it’s not just that—it’s more about how you know what you’re good at, _and_ you know what you want. So don’t belittle yourself because of someone like me who doesn’t even have any idea what he’s going to do with his life.”

“But,” Changbin shyly looks away, “I kinda liked being ideal for you. I really liked being the person you looked up to—” Hyunjin opens his mouth to say something at this point, but then Changbin whips his head around, meeting his gaze and snarling, “—and don’t you dare say something about being taller than me because that’s not the point!”

Hyunjin laughs at that, loud and bold, and Changbin joins along because they both know he was deliberately joking around in order to alleviate the sudden tension that filled their surroundings.

“Hyung, were you not listening? You don’t have to do anything!” Hyunjin laughs some more. “I look up to you because you’re you. You’re ideal for me, because you’re _you.”_ He pauses and takes a deep breath, gathering all available courage he has, so he can say what he’s about to say next. “I like you because you’re you.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure out what you’re going to do with your life sooner or later, Hyunjinnie,” Changbin tells him, comforting and sweet, and normally it would make Hyunjin feel warm all over, except right now he just feels exasperation.

“You’re not supposed to be trying to comfort me when I just—” He grits his teeth, embarrassed about having to point this out, “— _confessed_ to you.”

Changbin looks away again, and even though they’re parked in the dark, with only the dim illumination of street lights littering the area, Hyunjin notices the way Changbin’s ears turn red in color. 

“Hyung—?” He calls out, his nerves getting the better of him the longer Changbin stays silent; the older might seem flustered but Hyunjin supposes embarrassment doesn’t necessarily mean he actually returns the feelings. 

“I’m sorry,” Changbin finally answers; the apology makes Hyunjin’s heart sink to his stomach. 

So this is how he gets rejected, he tells himself. 

“It’s okay, hyung—” Hyunjin tries to sound calm and steady, but his voice breaks before he can finish his sentence. _Just like his heart,_ he thinks. “I—um. I didn’t expect you to feel the same—”

“Wait—” Changbin interrupts him. “I wasn’t finished! You’ve gone deep into your own thoughts again, I can tell.” He clicks his tongue and stands up to his full height; he only comes up just a little past Hyunjin’s shoulders, and the usual air of confidence he sports is absent, making him appear even smaller than he already is. This makes Hyunjin want to pull him close and hug him tightly, but he refrains from doing so, curling his hands into fists as he forces them inside his jacket pockets. “The apology,” Changbin continues, “is because I can't offer you anything significant—not the sunshine Felix provides Seungmin's life with such reads, or the stability Seungmin gives him right back. I don't even think I can give you the kind of quiet and instant understanding Jisung and Minho-hyung share, but…”

The mention of their friends' relationships has Hyunjin’s breath hitching; he can't deny that he's always felt a little envious of them and their picture perfect relationships. Except, right now, he's realising that he doesn't really _covet_ what they have.

“It doesn't matter,” he tells Changbin, before the older can pick up again where he'd trailed off. Hyunjin has no idea why and how he suddenly feels so bold and so sure – usually he's more timid and uncertain, always second guessing himself. “Weren't you listening to what I said, hyung? I like you for _you._ So we might not have what they have, but we have other things—things unique to the two of us. Like how you provide me with confidence in myself.” When he says it, he realises it's true; the way Changbin is usually so sure of everything has always been admirable, and it has always been that certainty that has always made Hyunjin excel through Changbin's constant belief in him. “Hyung—” Hyunjin pauses, and shyly meets the older's gaze. “I’d like to try and do the same for you.” If Changbin is going to start feeling more doubtful, then the least Hyunjin can do is repay him with some of the confidence he's consistently shared with Hyunjin throughout the time they've been friends.

“Hyunjin…” Changbin still sounds uncertain, so unlike him, that even though a small part of Hyunjin wavers, he resolves to be steady for both of them.

“Hyung, I told you I like you, and if you don't feel the same—” his voice trembles, still afraid of this particular outcome, despite all the signs that this isn't the case, “—just tell me. But if you do… you have to know, hyung, you're already the standard. My own personal ideal, and all you’ve needed to do all this time is be you.”

Changbin finally smiles, that sweet but self-assured grin of his that has always made Hyunjin feel like Changbin just might have all the solutions to all the problems life likes to throw his way – he realizes now that this isn't true, but it doesn't matter anyway, because what matters is the _feeling_ that smile gives him.

“You say these things, Hyunjin, but I’ve always felt more confident around you,” Changbin shares with a chuckle; he looks flushed, but in a good way. “Have I ever told you that when you laugh at my jokes, it makes me feel like I’m the funniest guy in Seoul? Or that when I catch you humming along to music I've made, it makes me feel like my life is going to be ok—that I’ve made the correct decision in pursuing music?”

Hyunjin shakes his head quietly, but without breaking eye contact. Changbin grunts, but it's a pleasant, amused one.

“I’m in love with you, Hyunjin,” he says, casual but sincere. “And all _you've_ had to do was be you.” He laughs as he returns Hyunjin's bold words from earlier, while Hyunjin himself feels a warm flush spread across his cheeks. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a while—” he pauses, laughing, “—been wanting to scream it out for everyone to know but... for a while there I thought I needed a lot more to be worthy of you and, well—” his grin widens and he moves closer, his hand finding its way to Hyunjun’s, “—thanks for doing that thing you do where you make me believe in myself.”

“Like I said,” Hyunjin whispers, “we might not have what our friends have, but we have our own thing.”

When they kiss, finally, Changbin has to tiptoe a little, and Hyunjin has to angle his head down – but for once, Hyunjin isn’t thinking of what others have that he doesn't. He’s thinking that he has Changbin, right here and now, and while the older’s lips are a little dry and far from ideal, they _feel_ perfect anyway.

And as he feels Changbin smile into the kiss, Hyunjin can only assume that he feels the same.

  
  
  


( It’s around half past one in the morning, and Changbin is driving them back to Hyunjin’s apartment; his right hand is settled in Hyunjin’s, while his left is firmly planted on the steering wheel, the two of them simply soaking in the comfortable silence that has settled in the car, when Hyunjin almost jumps out of his seat at the sound of Changbin’s phone suddenly playing Darth Vader’s theme obnoxiously.

“Shit—” Changbin flinches; he’s laughing in a panicked way, and he squeezes Hyunjin’s hand before pulling his own away and reaching into his pocket for his phone. He keeps his eyes on the road as he hands it to Hyunjin, “It’s Seungmin,” he explains. “Why is he calling at this late hour?!”

“How do you know it’s—?” Hyunjin asks, staring at the phone’s screen, eyes widening when sure enough, Seungmin’s name and face look back at him.

“He’s the only one with that tone,” Changbin says, snorting as if he isn’t sure if he should be proud or embarrassed about having to reveal this information. “If you answer instead of me, he won’t be able to yell.”

Hyunjin laughs, but he does swipe the answer button, before putting the call on speaker. He doesn’t even have time to say ‘hello,’ before his best friend’s voice fills the car.

“Seo Changbin!” He shrieks. “Do you have my car with you?!”

“That’s Changbin-hyung to you,” Changbin immediately barks, causing Hyunjin to start giggling uncontrollably.

“Wait—are you with Hyunjin?” The hitch in Seungmin’s breath is easily heard even through the call, which has Hyunjin’s giggles escalate into full blown laughter.

“Hi Seungminnie,” he greets, a little too chipper for one in the morning.

“Yes,” Changbin answers. “I’m _with_ Hyunjin, if you catch my drift.”

“Hyung—!” Hyunjin groans, even though he keeps on laughing. 

“Wait—” Seungmin is nothing if not someone who catches on quickly. “You’re _with_ Hyunjin? As in—? With him right now, or _with him_ with him?”

“Are you even hearing yourself—?” Changbin tries to sound deadpan, but laughter soon trickles out of his throat. “What do you think?”

There’s silence for a couple of seconds before Seungmin asks, “You’re not just trying to distract me from the fact that _you stole my car,_ are you?”

Hyunjin laughs even harder at that, and this time, Changbin’s own throaty howling mixes with his.

“Your car keys were lying on the coffee table, free for anyone to take!” Changbin argues, winking at Hyunjin as he slows down at an intersection. “And—Hyunjin needed to destress, so I figured a drive would do the trick.”

There’s inaudible grumbling from the other end of the line, followed by muffled conversation. “Felix wants to know if the two of you really got your shit together finally and are, in fact, together now.”

“I didn’t put it like that!” They hear the faint sound of Felix’s deep voice say in the background.

“Hi, Lix!” Hyunjin greets, his happiness heard clearly through his tone. “But—” he exchanges quick glances with Changbin, the smile on the older’s face making something bloom in his heart, “—yeah, we’re _together_ together. Like _that_ way together.” 

“Oh,” Seungmin exhales. _“Oh.”_

“Congratulations, you guys!” Felix happily tells them.

“This doesn’t get you off the hook for taking my car without permission,” Seungmin grumbles, and Hyunjin can’t help but giggle some more at the fact that Seungmin really just downgraded Changbin’s offense from ‘stealing’ to ‘taking without permission.’

“Just say that you’re happy for us, and forgive me with your very generous heart,” Changbin teases. 

“Whatever,” Seungmin shoots back. “I’m happy for myself because I don’t need to counsel Hyunjin on his constant pining after you.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin quickly protests, before giving Changbin an embarrassed look. “He’s exaggerating, I swear!” 

Changbin laughs, but he’s already reaching for Hyunjin’s hand again, which makes the latter relax a little. “It’s okay,” Changbin whispers. “I think Jisung and Minho would say the same thing.”

Hyunjin feels his face heating up at the idea that Changbin has actually talked about him with their common friends; he’s reminded that Changbin is human despite the pedestal Hyunjin has long put him on, he has feelings – and a lot of them are for Hyunjin. 

“I’m so lucky to have you, hyung,” he murmurs; he feels like he’s about to burst, and maybe he would have said more if Seungmin didn’t suddenly interrupt.

“I’m still on the line, idiots,” his best friend grumbles. “But I’m going to hang up now because it sounds like the two of you are about to get gross and sappy. Just—Changbin-hyung, have the car back by seven in the morning, okay? Felix and I have an early day later.”

And then they hear a click; Seungmin didn’t even bother saying goodbye before ending the call, which has both Changbin and Hyunjin laughing all over again. 

“That’s rude,” Changbin jokingly comments. “He didn’t even stick around to hear me tell you that _I’m_ the lucky one.” )

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> [ 3 ] Feedback, of course, is greatly appreciated! Thank you for reaching the end!
> 
> [ 4 ] My [Curious Cat](http://curiouscat.me/yiminho) is also open for feedback, and also questions. I love questions!!


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